Published August 2, 2009
I ride along the narrow way,
I can't go passing by the mountain chain.
The mountains are very high,
Their tops are hidden by cloud.
How to overcome it, I don't know.
What to do? I can't return.
And I stand with the howling winds alone
And I see in front of me only the high wall.
Chorus:
But I'll take all my will,
I will be able to get the wings,
I'll overcome everything on my way,
I'll be able to fly far away.
I stand and try to become fearless,
Thinking, that I've too much of weakness.
I ask my horse to run...
And I find, that mountain chain is behind.
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141,432 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
Hi Wind. ^^ Hawkie it is, and I will be reviewing you today.
Lyrics are typically hard to review since you can't hear the music that goes along with them, but that's okay.
I really didn't see anything wrong with these lyrics. The meaning makes sense, there's no spelling errors that I can see, and it paints a good image in my head.
If you're not doing it already, I have a piece of advice: decide what time signature your song is (3/4 time, 4/4 time, etc) and keep that pulse in your head as you're writing.
Another thing I noticed is that you have a lot of telling in your story as opposed to showing. Stuff like "the mountains are high" and "I ask my horse to run" are concise, but they lack the sensual quality that showing brings. Really drive home the grandeur and height of the mountains. Describe digging your heels into the horse to make it run, etc. Really tie us into the poetry so that we can't let go.
That was a good read. *hands cookie* Keep writing!
-Hawks-